


forgive me, father, for i have sinned

by meliore



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Sad Ending, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 05:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17016999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliore/pseuds/meliore
Summary: Tony feels like everything's his fault.





	forgive me, father, for i have sinned

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for this:
> 
> \- implied underage drinking  
> \- implied underage drug use  
> ^^ about both of those, while it's not really... written? about, tony's 16 here.  
> \- implied child abuse  
> \- victim blaming (maria blames tony for what happened and tony blames himself too)  
> \- religion (also being used as a way to blame tony by maria)  
> \- unhealthy/abusive relationship (between tony and tiberius. also not the focus so i didn't knew if i should put it in the relationship tag)  
> \- a panic attack  
> tony's not in a good state. 
> 
> that aside:
> 
> i wrote this a bit ago. i guess that it was last month. i tried posting it but i'd always give up and today... well. it's not like i think this is well written but i kind of felt/thought that i needed to post it. it could be said that this is a continuation for god lay dead in heaven, one of my other works.
> 
> i really don't know what that feeling is by the way. it's just... i get like 'i don't wanna post this' but at the same time it feels like i can't not do it. well. i can always exclude it.
> 
> this is unrevised. if there's any mistakes or any other warning to give, i'll correct it later. might exclude this. might not.

He thought—thought he was going to stop breathing. Because Tony, Tony was not exactly fine, he knew, but he’d never expect—why is this even—

“ _Take a deep breath,”_ it’s what she’d say, before, before—before Tony did—before he didn’t move—before he was more dirty then he already was. It’s what Mom would say when he was a bad son but not a bad person.

And Tony—he tried— _“Mom, please, I’m sorry, I--”_ —but she— _“God is the only thing that will save you. Not me. Certainly not yourself.”_

It was fine. Before, he meant. Before it happened. He didn’t meant to let it happen but he _did_ and Mom said, looked at him, looked at him and said _I can’t believe. You were good. Where did you-- where did I_ _go_ _wrong?_ , she looked at his knees, uncovered because the shirt he wore was just big enough to hide his—and she said— _Look at you, Tony. You’re a dirty soul now._

He didn’t meant to let it happen. His fingers, hands, they shake and the coffee’s too hot, scalding hot, burning hot, purification hot and it’ll probably burn him _more_ and _more_.

Jarvis touches his shoulder, and Tony doesn’t knows why, but the coffee falls on his lap like he knew it would, but—but— but he yells and tries to hide, before he recognizes. It’s. That’s not Mike. It’s just.

Jarvis.

He probably should—well, who knows—probably should get over it and accept the blame because it _was_ his fault.

First of all, Tony is an adult. Kind of. Almost. He’s not a little, defenseless child. Not a little, innocent child. He’s not a girl—not someone who had to worry about this kind of thing and who his mother would criticize because _at least you’re not like them, Tony._ At least he wasn’t a girl. Didn’t had the chance to be expecting a child (had the chance to have a disease). He’s not a pure child who goes to church.

He has sinned. Sucked on more dicks than anyone he knows. Fell into the arms of girls and boys. Used _substances_. Drank _alcoholic liquids_.

He asked for this. Mike—he just wasn’t Tony’s type, and by that, he meant—Mike cared too much.

It’s not even _you’re to blame, but so am I._ The fault was all his. Look at him and look at Mike. Mike, who’s almost the kindest person he knew, and came in second, between Rhodey (first) and Mom (third). Who carried a picture of his dog in his wallet “because he’s my best friend”. Mike, who goes to church. Mike, who is religious enough to believe on eternal punishment but not religious enough to believe that Tony was dirty because he liked Ty.

And it’s not like—

“Oh,” the soft, distant sound of Jarvis’ voice. “It’s happening again.”

—not like Mike ever hurt him. He was careful and he kissed him and he took his time to make him comfortable— _Tony saw it on the mirror, the bite marks, and he felt like throwing up what he ate for dinner, so he did_ —

The soft texture of his favorite blanket.

—Tony deserved it, honestly. He knew that Mike liked him, or at least, his body. And he had no shame in showing it to him, like someone waving meat to a dog, _look at this, I know you’re hungry, so look at what I have and know I won’t give it to you_. And—he didn’t hurt him.

_They did their assignment together because Mike had a hard time with chemistry and Tony could be better at it;_

_they finished and Mike asked Tony if he wanted a drink;_

_(three cups. That was it. Not enough to be drunk. Enough to start feeling funny. At least to him.)_

_Mike talked about his family and how they didn’t liked him and Tony talked about his own self--_

_Next thing he knew he woke up, very sore, with the knowledge he had cheated on Ty._

_(he came home because it was the end of the term and he-- he masturbated in the bath and--_

_Mom came inside. He told her what had happened.)_

—Jarvis was the one who asked, “don’t you want to talk about this with someone that's not from this family?"

For one moment, before it sank in, Tony almost said “yes”.

Yes. I do. Please. Please. _**Please.**_

Then he realized-- Jarvis wasn't talking about a therapist that knew how to keep a secret. He meant something else. Something that would destroy Mike’s life for something that was not Mike’s fault.

“No.”

He decided to keep it a secret from Rhodey or Ty because they--

Ty was his boyfriend and one of the most important people in his life and he’d hate Mike, but more than that, he’d throw Tony out of the room and tell him to not come back again.

(That’s not the bad part, though. Tony would come back. Ty would try to hurt him. Test him. They always kept going.

Rhodey looked from his hand to the ice pack he was holding.

“Tony,” he tried. “he punched you?”

Didn’t asked who did; already knew. Didn’t asked why; already knew. Tony shrugged.

Rhodey was right. Ty wasn’t a romantic-movie-boyfriend. In Rhodey’s definition, yes, Ty wasn’t boyfriend material. But Rhodey is a good man who deserves to live a good life.

He wouldn’t understand too.

Ty needs it, to feel control over Tony’s skin. Tony needs Ty because Ty loves him and for him that’s enough.)

Rhodey. He’d enter in a fight with Mike if he found out. He might get kicked out if he does that. He can’t. He needs to finish his scholarship and be the genius he already is.

The word got around his family. Howard said to keep it a secret. (Aunt Peggy found out through Jarvis.)

(She wasn’t happy.)

(But neither was Mom, so it looked like the usual _you’re a dirty soul_ reaction Tony was getting.)

Tony opens his eyes. Can’t think about this anymore. Wants to, but can’t.

He’s not on the kitchen anymore. He’s on the living room, on the couch, with two pillows under his head and a blanket over his body. His clothes are different too.

Jarvis is an old man. Shouldn’t do that.

He can hear Mom. And Howard. And Jarvis.

Mom talks about God. _“He needs to be saved_ ,” she says, louder than she usually does. He flinches, but she’s right.

Howard’s pretty quiet and he’s also right.

_He just needs to man up._

Man up. Shut up and go on. Go on with his life. Because he’s not truly hurt.

Jarvis, then, says something bizarre.

_He needs a therapist._

Life is like that now because Tony has destroyed more than his soul, his body. More than possibly Mike’s life. He has destroyed his family and they won’t stop fighting.

His family was already bad before, yes. He knew. He had to comfort Mom after fights with Dad and had to see, with only one eye, the sad look that Jarvis had, while he applied makeup so no one at Tony’s school would get suspicious.

But then, he destroyed it all.

In the end, everything was his fault.


End file.
